The experience of falling in love in the United States~

Arrived in New York in March 2016, and went back to China twice during that period, and now I have lived in the “Big Apple” for almost three years. As an immigrant, studies, and work are naturally the top priority. About applying for schools and finding a job, I can write a separate article in the future. Today I want to talk about another very important thing: dating. How does a foreigner fall in love or even find true love in New York?

Generally, those who go abroad for postgraduate study are concentrated around the age of 22 to 28. Many people focus on their studies and careers, ignoring that falling in love is also a learning process, and it also requires the accumulation of experience before they can recognize people with discerning eyes. Putting aside whether you have to surrender to the various pointers from relatives and friends around you to older single young women, if you can meet someone who can read your eyes in a foreign country, your happiness index in life will immediately increase. I feel that the negative impact of unhappiness in love life on people is even greater than mediocrity in a career.

The dating culture in rural America is very different from that on the East and West coasts. For example, a good friend of mine married to a certain state in the middle of the country, and she and her husband met on a blind date. When she was still in college, she went to a central state for half a year as an exchange. The local church often gave food to international students and organized activities. There were many local people in the church as volunteers, and one of them was a very kind old lady. After getting acquainted, she recognized the old lady as her godmother. A few years later, she went to New York to participate in a cultural exchange program, and her godmother introduced her to her future husband. One of the advantages of blind date introduction is that you know the basics relatively well, filtering out unreliable people or people who are not suitable in the eyes of people you know. The godmother not only knew this boy, but also his family background. The husband is a white native born and raised in central China, and he worked as a foreign teacher in Shanghai for two years before. After waking up in the morning, and drinking tea while reading the English version of the Yangzi Evening News, from time to time two sentences “cents” and “fifty cent party” pop up. The songs I like to listen to are not hip-hop or iTunes top songs, but Daolang’s productions. However, the probability of encountering an American who is so passionate about Chinese culture is very low.

According to OK Cupid, Asian women are the most desirable dating partners for men of all races in the United States. The reason why it ranks first, I guess part of it is out of curiosity; part of it is the preference formed because of previous emotional experience, which has nothing to do with the race itself; a very small part is the love of Asian culture from the heart and then the love of houses and houses like Asia American girls. Because I spend most of my time in New York, what I see and hear may better reflect the city people’s views on love.

As a foreign student, there are only a few ways to broaden your social circle and find potential contacts. Classmates and club activities at school together. I feel that this channel is more suitable for undergraduates and students who go to school in the village. My school is in the lower Manhattan area, where every inch of land is very expensive. Almost all of them are day students, and very few people live in school dormitories. Furthermore, although I am studying for a master’s degree, many classes are taught together with classmates who are studying for an MBA degree. Many local MBA students have full-time jobs. They are already very busy at work, and they still need to spend evenings or weekends to complete 48 credits. Therefore, in addition to completing the projects required by each course, it is difficult to have the opportunity to get acquainted with them outside of class. In a class last spring, I was assigned to a group project with a Jewish brother. His eyes were shining brightly, and he spoke very fast. I had to listen carefully to keep up. At that time, I felt my heartbeat. It’s a pity that after taking this course in the middle of the semester, there are neither more of the same courses nor opportunities for school club activities. He has a full-time job and won’t bother with any school activities. Although everyone goes to school two or three times a week, I didn’t see him at school after the last class last year.

The second channel is to participate in activities organized by Chinese people. There are so many Chinese in New York that I have the illusion that I have returned to the embrace of my motherland. Groups who speak the same language and have the same culture will gather together unconsciously. This also applies to immigrants of other races. For example, Indians love groups, and Brazilians also have their communities. A Chinese elder brother in New Jersey is very fond of calling friends, watching the sea in summer, and climbing mountains in spring and autumn. He has set up several WeChat groups, ranging from financial management to renting houses for foreign students, from job-hunting mutual aid groups to outdoor activities every weekend. I usually have classes on Saturdays, and I don’t have many such activities. But just two or three times, I met a sister who went to the same high school as me in China. Can’t help feeling that the world is really small. According to the theory of six degrees, there are only five people between each person and any other person in the world, no matter which country the other person is in, which race he belongs to, or which skin color he is. The third channel is to use a dating app. Let’s talk about it in detail below.

In popular terms, Dating app means It is where all the cool kids are. There are many types of Dating apps in the United States. I have used Tinder, CMB (Coffee meets Bagel), and OK Cupid, and these are both free versions and paid versions. Value-added service options. The ones that need to be fully paid are eharmony, match. I only created a profile for the latter two. Only after paying can I see the photos and detailed introduction of the other party, otherwise, I will use my wild imagination: what does this person look like? Is this guy who’s interested in me worth asking out to meet first? Would I be interested in getting to know this person just by reading his brief profile? So I mainly use the free versions of the first three.

Tinder is well known for its number of users and coverage. Its user experience is very simple and rude: look at the appearance. A profile is very short, and many people simply don’t write anything, or write some chicken soup for the soul. Although I don’t know if I like this person’s personality or what life experience can impress me, it is easy to judge whether I simply like this person’s appearance. The match will be successful only after the two people swipe right after seeing each other’s photo. Then there is the second step of hooking up and chatting. After chatting, you can make an appointment to meet up. If the chat is not good, let it go. There is no reason to waste more time. Of course, many people think that Tinder is a hook-up software, but it’s a matter of opinion.

The gay version of Tinder is considered a serious dating software in the circle of gay friends, and I can only feel the difference between the straight and the straight. There are also news reports: A couple met on Tinder, and the girl suffered from kidney failure, the boy not only did not break up but also donated a kidney to her. Therefore, emotional matters mainly depend on the individual, and the platform is not the main determining factor. I met my first and current boyfriends in NYC through Tinder. The first boyfriend was together for almost 1 year. The incumbent has not yet reached the point of discussing marriage, but I can feel that he will go in this direction. Although my first boyfriend broke up, we are still very good friends. For a while, when I felt that my dating life was particularly scumbag, I would complain to him about why I met people so unkindly, whether it was a problem with the channel or the society is just like this. He also recommended that I try two red beans, which means two red beans in Chinese. The reason for his recommendation is that the users are all Asian groups who focus on marriage, which is very suitable for me. He also joked that I need to work hard on dating because the Biological clock is ticking. I feel very lucky that two people who broke up can reach this level, after all, they are people who have shared each other for a while.

Not everyone you meet will either love you to death or stay away from each other forever, and not everyone who walks with you can say hello and goodbye calmly.

The second CMB (coffee meets bagel) will recommend 5 people to you every day during your active login period. In addition to photos, work, industry, school, hobbies, and three things you want the other party to know, they are all listed on the homepage. Compared with Tinder, although you have matched a lot of people, most of them are just like that, and there is no follow-up. CMB will constantly remind you to take the initiative to send messages to the other party. The conversation line will be closed within 10 days, before that, other contacts can be exchanged if interested. Just like work and school projects, tasks are assigned very early, and they may not be moved. When the deadline is approaching, the efficiency suddenly increases.

The third OK Cupid is the gospel for people who believe in big data. It matches you with the person with the highest similarity based on your profile and constant questions during use. This app was mentioned in the American TV series How I Met Your Mother. Several episodes were about the dating story of the leading actor Ted after using this app. But I feel that the potential object that OK Cupid pushes is the person who is most similar to you and is not the most suitable It seems that a 97% match sometimes won’t even win you a first date. After using it for a long time, I found that I saw a person on different dating apps, and sometimes I thought it was my eyesight. But think about it, since I am testing and using several apps at the same time, others must be too.

There are many programs on online dating in Podcast. A channel I often listen to is You Up. It has two very interesting themes, one is called red flag deal breaker, and enthusiastic viewers will write letters to describe the “abnormal” situation encountered during dating if it is acceptably Called a red flag, but further communication is required. If it is unacceptable to choose to break up, it is a deal breaker. The other is a weird sexual experience.

Two people can start dating, the rawest sexual attraction is a large proportion. The general sex life is not compatible, if there is no very special reason, sooner or later it will be a breakup. Of course, if the sex life is very compatible, you should also stay sober, whether there is anything other than the sex life that is promoting this relationship.

Ali Wong’s two talk shows on Netflix, one is BabyCobra and the other is Hard KnockWife, both use her humor to tell the cruel truth wrapped in laughter about the relationship between men and women and marriage. She has a lot of classic jokes, you can listen to them in your spare time. Although life is not easy, you will feel at ease after listening to them: I am not alone in facing these relationship problems. The host Boston guy in YouUp started playing the mattress ad, screaming hoarsely, and his performance index was comparable to that of Ma Dong in the Qihuashuo ad. I remember one episode was broadcast live. He answered a girl’s question very bluntly and said: If a boy does this, it means he doesn’t like you. Don’t think too much about it. A girl in the audience became popular when she heard it, and expressed her disapproval, and Fxxk you jumped out. Of course, he didn’t back down: “Fxxk me? I am not the one fucking you. I am just telling the truth.” Crazy men and women know no borders.

Even people who grew up with similar cultural backgrounds in the United States still encounter these universal relationship problems. What’s more, as a foreigner, you have a completely different growth background, so you need to understand some truths earlier to better protect yourself. There are many stories of international students committing suicide because of emotional injuries. The fathers who pick up their children from kindergartens in New York, many of them have gray hair and are around 50 years old. So according to this age, if you go back and go back, many people may not get married until they are in their 40s. Part of the reason for the late marriage may be that natural freedom does not like restraint. Another very important reason is that New York has gathered a large number of immigrants from all over the world.

When I was in my 20s, I left my country and came to another country to struggle, start from scratch, and start all over again. Only when my academic career is stable can I consider marriage? Then there are many boys and girls in their 20s on the dating app who are immigrants. Them, of course, I am also one of them. Work part-time during the day from Monday to Friday, attend classes at night, attend classes, or do homework on weekends. Maintaining a long-term healthy relationship is a luxury in this state of life. Especially if both of them are immigrants, the chances of going to the end are even lower. There are too many variables, and the love of children is no match for the best arrangement in life after all. So when you are together, just enjoy the point where you were moved for him/her at that time, and hope that what you recall later will be more joyful than the last resort when you broke up or a unilateral breakup without any response.

Online dating is a numbers game. Just as most people will not marry their first love. The first person you meet online dating is likely to be a passerby. After breaking up with her first boyfriend in New York, she has dated 9 people in less than a year. This date refers to the offline meeting, some died on the first date, some will progress to Netflix and Chill, and some will take a short trip. I feel that a trip is a good channel to test whether two people will make progress. Even if we go to upstate New York or New Jersey to climb mountains together on weekends, it takes at least 4 hours to go back and forth. Start by meeting at the grand central train station to see if the other person will be on time. Some boys will propose to drive to the foot of the mountain, so they may have exceeded the average for the income issue that everyone is most concerned about. The parking space near the World Trade Center in Manhattan costs $1,600 a month, which is almost equal to the rent of many students in Manhattan. Of course, it’s hard to judge just by owning a car. I know a couple who are both doctors. Their annual income is conservatively estimated at 500,000 US dollars.

Some first dates have very obvious symptoms: the three views do not agree with this person, and it is impossible to continue. For some, there is no sign, and the person has disappeared into the vast sea of people since then. So when you join the game field of online dating, you must not know anyone, just fall in love deeply. Hold the mentality of knowing more people and increasing experience. I have met many people, and when I look at the photos, I can tell that although this person is handsome, his purpose is to find friends with benefits, and he still has a simple and unpretentious face to try to get in touch with. , such as what is the meaning of life, or at the right moment, you can let the other party talk about private topics that only friends can touch, such as how your family drives you crazy. People all over the world have common problems. Parents in China will urge marriage, and mothers in some families in the United States will make a fuss and nag about trivial matters.

During the active time on the dating app, the heart is very tired. Getting to know someone new requires an emotional and time investment. I was very lucky to meet the incumbent and listen to so many people’s stories through an unreliable channel. After all, the people I met through the online dating channel do not have any common life intersection. If the two people are not in the same life stage and are willing to spend time to communicate further, the possibility of breaking up is very high.

The most unforgettable thing in life is the people you meet.

If I had to describe New York in one word, I would use immigration. Both the first boyfriend and the current boyfriend in New York are native-born Americans. One immigrated with his parents when he was 5 years old, and the other came to the United States when he was a baby. Almost all other dates were born abroad, and they all came to the United States when they were around 20 through school, work, or other means. There is a Ukrainian brother who won a green card and came to the United States. For him, the trajectory of his life has changed since then. When I was in Ukraine, my only hobby was drinking vodka in bars with my friends and making trouble when I was drunk. After coming to New York four years ago, he has never drunk alcohol. In the beginning, he worked in restaurants and supermarkets. When he first came, his English was not good enough. After working for 10 hours, he had to learn English. The old lady of landlady is a Russian, and she often pulls him to talk about how bad Putin is. He doesn’t care about Russian politics, let alone that he is Ukrainian. What he cares about is that now that he has come to the United States, the most important thing is to change his life, not to talk about politics. Now he is going to apply for a federal government student loan to study for a master’s degree in IT management. He has started to work full-time at school during the day, attend classes at night, and do homework on weekends. According to the standard of domestic spouse selection, this little brother is very poor, but he still has a high respect in his heart when he sees a foreign immigrant struggling so hard for his own life.

He represents a large group of immigrants who came to a new country in their 20s and had to start all over again. But for those born in a barren country, having the opportunity to immigrate to the United States and start a new life in the United States is to change their destiny.

Another interesting date is an immigrant from Egypt. He was a former Egyptian air force and later worked as an interpreter for the US military in Egypt. After that, the US military applied for a green card for him, and came to the United States. It turned out that Hollywood movies deceived people all over the world. He thought that after arriving in the United States, he could drive a Lamborghini, enjoy the sunshine in California, and be accompanied by many beautiful women. The reality slapped him many times. The first thing is how to survive in the United States without any skills. These people who have had a relationship on one side and two sides will never meet again in this life. I can only wish them the best of luck and the smooth realization of their American dream.

Finally, I would like to remind everyone that studying abroad, whether it is through online appointments or offline activities, is safety first and requires a high degree of vigilance. It has been more than a year since Zhang Yingying’s case. The follow-up related news is not the conviction of the criminal suspect, but the continuous postponement of the trial date of the case. The defendant’s lawyer requested the withdrawal of the death penalty charge for various reasons. Looking at Jiang Ge’s mother again, the heart-piercing pain can be felt through the screen.

On the way to school, the ground is full of thorns, love will part and fall, and the love of family members is always the gleam of light that will accompany us forward.

(Thanks to my best friend Monica for giving me so many words~~ Friends who want to talk in-depth can private message or leave me a message~)