Thank you for your concern and love for this article. In fact, in the beginning, it was just because of the joy of loving him, and I needed a place to confide and vent. At that time, there were not as many people in Zhihu as there are now, and there were no people I knew in real life, so I came here to write. Later, because of the pain of breaking up, I came back and read the previous writing, and tears flowed down, and then I wrote the latter purely because I wanted to record this love that I loved seriously.
Now I have come out of the pain of being broken in love at that time, and I feel that life is like a flower petal that blooms and withers, when it falls, it falls, and the past will never come back.
But now, unexpectedly seeing so many people clicking likes, and so many people asking me some questions in the comment section, I took the attitude of being responsible. There were more than 290 people who followed my relationship at that time, even if no one pays attention to it now, I will give it a good ending.
There are too many replies, and I may not be able to solve the problems one by one, but I will try to answer some questions with the most sincere attitude.
- Some people asked how the relationship was stable in only 100 days. I thought it was a long relationship after reading so much. Looking back now, it should be that I loved him too much at the time, and it was the first time I fell into such a relationship. A relationship, dazzled by love. So the relationship of three months, I feel like it has been three years. Because of love, I remember every detail, so it feels like a long time ago. Later he said that after the breakup, the period of healing also made me feel like a few years had passed.
- Someone asked the reason for the breakup. I am not particularly clear about the reason for the breakup, and I dare not ask him why. Probably the reason is the chat on the Thanksgiving car. I treat a relationship sincerely, and I have already thought about the future, thinking about how the two of us should plan our future in the future, and what ideals and dreams I have. He thinks that after graduation, he doesn’t need to work in a good company, he just needs to work part-time and travel around the world when he earns money. Also, he said that he didn’t want to get married until he was 30, and I liked him at the time, so I thought about getting married. He is an Aquarius, and so far I have only been in love with an Aquarius man, maybe he thinks that I restrain him.
- Thank you to those who comforted me. I can’t go back now and can’t remember that part of the past. And after resuming contact with him, I gradually let go.
Thank you to those who like to watch and say that it is like watching a romance movie. I just came back to read what I wrote myself, and I was also taken aback by how much I wrote back then. I can only write this once, and even if I love it again, I will never be able to write such long texts again. - Someone asked me what he and I looked like. I thought he was pretty good-looking, maybe beauty is in the eye of the beholder. He has German and Finnish ancestry. When they were together, they said that they would go to Finland to spend their old age together. I am above average in appearance, not considered pretty, but rather cute. From elementary school to university, I have never been short of people chasing me.
- Just read all the comments, some are encouraging for me, and some are not. I once thought about making this post anonymous or deleting it, but because I cherish so many words I wrote, I was unwilling to delete him. I am not a perfect person. At first, I wrote it for people to answer, then I wrote it for myself to vent, and the last update was written for responsibility. In any case, this is a relationship that I have worked hard on, and it is also my private matter. I am conflicted, I usually dive, and I seldom post my affairs and photos even on my website. On the one hand, I am afraid that my private affairs will be exposed to the world, and on the other hand, I cherish the feelings behind this paragraph of text, so I want to delete it. I dare not delete it, and I don’t know what to do. What should I do?..
－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－I now have a stable relationship American boyfriend. Looking back on our relationship, I feel that it was he who showed his affection for me at the beginning. He invited me to listen to a rock concert together. I thought it was just a friend’s hang-out, but he said that he had impure motives for asking me out. That time we chatted alone for 4 hours, and I learned that we both love music, and we have too many things in common, such as liking basketball, liking culture, having the same attitude towards religion, etc., and our personalities and values are also very similar. He also has something that is different from me and attracts me, which makes me think about getting to know him better.
If the two parties have a good impression of each other and intend to continue to get to know each other, it is called a hang-out or “first date”. To put it bluntly, it is a bit like a Chinese blind date. He was wearing a suit and leather shoes, very formal. That time I went to a very expensive restaurant for dinner, I said AA, and he wanted to treat me. He told me about his family, his high school, his friends, his plans for the future, etc., which made me feel that he is a reliable person. At this time, we were not boyfriend and girlfriend, and we were not yet dating. After dinner, we went back to his house and had a shallow kiss in his living room, and then I went back to my house.
After going out a few times, he would hold my hand when we were alone, and I was not used to him holding hands (shy) and would let go when someone else came over. One day he kissed me deeply and my heart beat faster, so I couldn’t help but say I like you first, he was very happy to hear that and said that I like you too. After this day we should enter the date stage.
I didn’t have much time to hear him say I like you, but I can see from his performance that he likes me more and more. We go out together and people think we’re a couple, but he won’t introduce me to his friends as ‘this is my girlfriend’ yet.
Then, I gradually got used to holding hands with him, probably between dating and relationship, the difference between this stage and dating is that the love relationship is deeper, saying like you become more frequent, introducing me to some of his friends as a girlfriend, there are more thinking about long-term development.
One day, he stared at me very seriously and said to me I have something to tell you. Then there were the three words I love you. His girlfriend, always holding my hand and not letting go. Just be together, hold me, or hold me. On the day he confessed, I was not ready to ‘love’ because I was afraid of getting hurt, and I told him this too. Regarding sex, I said that I would only have sex with the person I love, and he said no push, but at the same time, he couldn’t make him wait too long. Until now, when we go out to eat, sometimes he invites and sometimes I invite, and he pays more.
In the relationship stage, our relationship is also deepening day by day, and then it slowly reaches a long-term relationship. I comfort him when he is depressed, and give him confidence when he lacks confidence. We support each other, and we rely on each other more and more. I noticed that now that we go out to eat, he doesn’t ask me to pay anymore. Now all his friends know that I am his girlfriend, and it is natural to hold hands wherever he goes. Often say I love you, I miss you, and so on. Call each other, such as baby, dear. We are all people who are serious about falling in love, and we are also people who don’t fall in love easily. Let’s get to know each other Our mutual friend A is another type.
A will often bring (Chinese) girls back to have sex, but usually, the girls who go to bed with him too early are only attracted to him by appearance, and will not make him fall in love, or even like him. A is a person who is afraid of loneliness, so he must be accompanied by someone at all times. He admits no more than three girlfriends. There is also a girl who has been with him “privately”. My boyfriend explains that A and that girl ‘have a thing’, but at the same time, they can even flirt with other girls in front of that girl. A is such a boy, if you just want to find a friend with benefits, or have an American boyfriend to experience, he will be very suitable.
My boyfriend and A, their relationship attitudes represent two types of dating culture in the United States. I feel that my boyfriend is emotionally more conservative than the average American, and A is more ‘open’ than the average American. Between them probably represents the majority of Americans.
Someone asked about the sex situation, add it here
I think sex is a very natural process. As a girl, if you love him, you will want to have sex with him. But if you don’t have love, you won’t even have a heartbeat when kissing, let alone sex. Of course, boys want the sooner the better, so the issue of sex is basically in the hands of girls. My advice to girls is, don’t be too early. You can have it happen during the marriage, or during the live stage, like a stage, whatever. I respect your choice and how conservative or open you are sexual. Just don’t have sex on the first date. I had sex with him at the relationship stage, about two weeks after he said to love. It was a rare three days together, a drive to Chicago, and a whole weekend of new and great memories. I think he is a very reliable person, and I think we can have a future that can develop with him. We didn’t have sex for three days in Chicago, but we did after a few days back. On the one hand, it was a reward for his meticulous care of me for three days on the weekend, and on the other hand, I really couldn’t bear it myself.
Some people say that women use sex as a bargaining chip
Smart women know that sex is not a bargaining chip, and I will not foolishly threaten that if I sleep with you, you will be responsible for the rest of your life. It is foolish to think that one has sacrificed one’s virginity in exchange for a man’s pity. Sex is not a reward either, love is equal and sex is for both parties. I think if he can’t make me happy, I should break up in less than a few months. I tell girls to carefully decide the time of ‘sex’, because when a man likes a woman, it is ‘sexual attraction’ (including beauty) first, and then the sexual attraction will be transferred to spiritual attraction. I won’t have sex with him until my attraction to him shifts from simple passion to genuine love. Kissing and kissing me several times before had sexual impulses, but I held back. Because I want to make sure that he is not just sexually attracted, otherwise, if you have sex too early, the boy’s liking for you will only stay on the surface, and he will get tired of your beautiful appearance. By the way, I had sexual urges toward him, which also made me realize that I liked him. And it was the first time for me at that time, and it was the first time that I cherished, so I also thought about it for a long time. But now I don’t regret taking the medicine. Maybe he didn’t love me, but I loved him.
PS, our relationship has entered the third month, the honeymoon period has passed, and conflicts are slowly beginning to emerge.
I learned that American men think that entering a relationship does not mean any commitment. It just means that you have entered a long-term and stable love relationship. There is no promise to get married, and there is no guarantee that you will be together in a few months and a year. The way of life and dating has hardly changed, what has changed is that you know his circle of friends better. Girls must have their circle of friends, don’t spend time blindly on him just because you have a man, clinging to him every day, he can’t stand it. In addition, having a few good friends of the opposite sex makes him feel a sense of crisis at any time, so he will always have a feeling of chasing. Chinese men’s dating is not much different from their marriage; American men’s love is love, and marriage is marriage. There is a big difference between before and after marriage. After marriage, they are more responsible and take care of their families. They like to take care of their children and like to repair things by themselves. But the headache is that they yearn for freedom and independence even more before marriage. They don’t want their girlfriends to restrain them and disturb their lives. My boyfriend told me many times, I’m not marrying you right now.–When I asked him to make some appropriate compromises for me. Girls, you can’t be jealous anymore, and you can’t be spoiled or lose your temper casually like the eldest lady. He respects you but never spoils you. He also said Well, you are an ideal marriage partner for me. It’s just not the time yet. It means that American men have been evaluating you from the date to the relationship and after that. marriage partner. But there is a long way to go until the day when they step into the palace of marriage.
We broke up when we were 1 day away from being in love for 100 days. After that, I experienced heartache, insomnia, anxiety, and crying inexplicably, and I checked Douban every day for nothing. I have been afraid to touch that memory for several months, and even now I dare not look back at what I wrote on it. Today is 99 days after we broke up. Here, I feel that I need to write an ending for this story.
I am a person who only browses most of the time and rarely posts my personal affairs on public platforms. In the beginning, I loved it so much, I was afraid that I would forget a certain detail, and I wanted to record all the good things between me and him-this was the original intention of writing these things at the beginning.
The moment we broke up came on the way back to school on the last day of the Thanksgiving break. I went to LA for Thanksgiving and he picked me up at the airport. I originally flew to a city an hour’s drive away from school and then went back to school with him. When I was in transit in Chicago, I gave him a call to ask where he was. He said that he just started, and the time it takes to drive back from Chicago is about the same as the time to return by plane. I prefer to go back by car with him than to fly alone. So after the phone call, we decided that he would pick me up at the Chicago airport and we would drive back together. Unexpectedly, the four hours of going back became the beginning of all continuous events.
On the way back to school, we chatted all the time. In the last hour, we quarreled and had a cold war because of some topics. He pretended to be asleep and I didn’t talk. Then he “woke up.” I asked him if you were okay, and he said it was okay, and then another moment of silence. . . Finally, he said we should talk, I said yes. He is an extremely emotional person, and I am a relatively rational person. He can say anything when he is angry, but I can’t even swear fuck, I can only reason stupidly again and again. I mentioned that day, I am a rational person, I know I can’t break up with you, so I will never mention the word breakup. But I didn’t say that once I mentioned breaking up, it would be a real breakup. I am a person who ‘doesn’t turn back’.
Maybe it’s just such a sentence, which makes him feel that I can’t live without him, and makes him misunderstand that he can force me to break up. Although we reconciled as before when we returned to school that day, he lost his temper the next day because of some ‘little things’. That day he wanted to hang out with me, and I had a quarrel, so I was in no mood to see him, I said I was tired and didn’t want to go out.
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separate
Back at school for a week, we were all in the cold, not a word was said, no texts were sent. On the weekend after a week, he asked if I couldn’t come out and see him. Then we went to a beer bar. I still remember the location, the environment, and him sitting opposite. After a few pleasantries, he said, “You are a good marriage partner, but I don’t want to get married yet, so can we separate for a while, and when we think about it, we will be together again.” I was so confused. He didn’t say this when he broke up, but he said firmly, “I don’t think we are suitable. I don’t like you anymore, let’s break up.” Maybe I will feel better later, and I will slowly curb my feelings, and get out of the pain faster. Later, I was drunk, dizzy, and forced to drive home. He even sent a text message asking me if I was okay. I didn’t reply.
I later asked him that during the time we were apart, I have a boyfriend, can you have a girlfriend? He said yes. Then I don’t understand even more. At that time, I was thinking, is this a cultural difference between East and West? Can America do this? After the breakup, I also asked a lot of my American friends, both men and women, and they all said, your ex-boyfriend is an asshole, he must have someone else in love, just want to find an excuse to break up and say so. It took me more than half a year for me to realize this fact.
We broke up when fall turned to winter, just a week before my fall semester finals. Undoubtedly it will take a while to get over the pain. That winter break, he went to LA to prepare for work. I went to Seattle alone, trying to find an answer. Then went to New York for New Year’s. During that vacation, I met many new friends and met old friends from middle school and high school in New York. Traveling made me feel better, but when I went back to school that holiday, the house in front of me, tall buildings, my home, my friends, his friends, and even the woods next to his home, everything reminded me of him. I tried my best to delete several software that I often contacted with him, lest I couldn’t restrain myself from looking for him…
In the next spring semester, one day when the weather turned warmer, I was studying in the library, and when I received a call from him, my heart skipped a beat. Why did I call after I hadn’t contacted him for so long? “Hello?” As soon as I picked it up, he said “Hey”, and my heart was full of waves. Then he told me he had a new girlfriend. And then the emotion that came with it in me was anger. You’ve hurt me so much, why is there a new girlfriend calling me?? At that time, I did the last thing I should have done. My anger was transformed into text in text messages, and I kept venting my anger and pain. Then I deleted all his contact information and all the friend relations of his online SNS account, I don’t want him to harass me again to break my heart. The only one that has not been deleted is his phone number, even in case he calls me again… (later his phone number has been deleted after I completely gave up on him)
After about a year or two, he contacted me again. The Facebook message told me that he was in China, not only in China but also in my hometown Chengdu. I was shocked. Unstoppable curiosity made him add my Facebook and WeChat. I went to his Facebook page and found that he had broken up with his girlfriend, and there was indeed news about him in China. After a few announcements on WeChat and Facebook, I got a little information from him. From now on, it is a holiday greeting. Except for one time when I was drunk and sent him a lot of useless things, such as photos and texts, I was shocked when I woke up the next morning and saw the WeChat dialog box. Later he asked me what was wrong, but I didn’t answer either. Then I never made the same mistake again.
And so we moved forward in our lives, he lived his life and I lived mine. Greetings from time to time, the memories of that year have become dusty in my memory.
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More than two years have passed, and now that I have gotten out of the pain at that time, I dare to return to the thoughts of the time and update the update.
Thinking about it now, it should be that I loved him too much at that time, but he didn’t love me enough. My mother said that I let him get me too easily at that time, so he didn’t cherish me enough. So even though I love him so much and do my best for him, I don’t get the same care and love from him. Maybe that’s why we broke up…
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Looking back at this memory after many years, my heart is calm.
The ex-boyfriend came back to me one day when he got older and wanted to get married, but I have let it go.
For so many years, I have been moving forward, but he can’t catch up with my pace.
My ex-boyfriend in the United States was my first love, and my emotional experience with him had a lot of influence on my later love view and even world view. It even once made me think that I would never find the right person again. But I’m still grateful for the relationship. Without him, I would not be so individualized; without this experience of falling in love with Americans, I would not be so understanding. The experience has made me reborn and mature.
My dear, when you keep your eyes open and choose your life partner, you must understand one truth, first look and think clearly: first, whether he has the same three views as you, and second, whether he has shortcomings that you cannot tolerate. If you choose to be with him after repeated consideration, then please go hand in hand – run-in, communication, understanding, as long as the two hearts are together, there is nothing that cannot be resolved. As long as the general direction of the two people is right, please don’t expect the other party to make changes if there are inconsistencies in small details. If you love him, please understand him and tolerate him. The most impressive sentence my ex-boyfriend said to me: you can never change anything/anyone, you could only get used to it. Plus two people can communicate well, there is nothing difficult to overcome.
Now I have found the right person. Every experience you have, every tempering, is God’s foreshadowing for you to become a more mature and better self. I am grateful for the past, I am grateful for the ta I loved, and I am grateful to God for letting me learn how to love. Everything is as beautiful as the first time I saw it. It is easy to fall in love and difficult to get along with each other. Reflecting on this relationship, how a girl manages a relationship is the most important thing. Understand and tolerate each other, maintain positive communication, learn to express your feelings, and at the same time understand more about each other’s emotions and feelings. The experience of falling out of love is not terrible, the terrible thing is that you don’t know how to reflect after falling out of love. Reflect on your growth through experience, and eventually you will find the person who loves you and you love him, has a blend of personality and temperament, equal conditions, and is the most suitable person for you. Your support and rely on each other, and you will walk hand in hand for a lifetime.