There is no soft love in a hard city, life is not Lin Daiyu, and it is not because of sadness that you can be charming.
Recently, many people also asked me, Mr. Jin Kun, why do you say that my situation is not recoverable? Do not suggest that I do redemption. I have also consulted some institutions, and they said that there is an 89% chance of my situation recovering. If I follow their rhythm, there is a great chance of getting back together in a month, so I won’t explain them here.
Today I have time to sort out and write an article about how to judge the chance of reunion after breaking up, and how to redeem it. The full text is about 10,000 words, and the recommended reading time is 30 minutes. It is recommended to bookmark it first, and then read it slowly. In case you can’t find it later.
The first measure is to judge the compound difficulty
Many people who are broken up in love often make mistakes when they want to get their ex back. They don’t consider their situation and the psychological state of the other party, and they keep acting according to their ideas. Disappointed breakups have always attracted ➕ high-value Moments for the second time, asking friends to intervene to persuade the other party not to break up, and some even more outrageous ones even threaten the other party with self-harm…
My friend, I know you are sad about breaking up. If you can get your ex back, maybe you won’t be reading my article here now, but strolling comfortably in People’s Square holding hands with your girlfriend. If this kind of operation is not handled well, it will wear down the slightest goodwill left by the other party.
Even if Yuelao binds your red threads together, you won’t be able to reunite!
Therefore, it is particularly important to learn to judge the compound difficulty and the psychological state of the opponent.
It can accurately allow you to recognize the current situation, avoid missing opportunities and formulate specific ways to recover, and don’t worry about pressing too hard, causing the other party to run away when seeing you like a sheep seeing a wolf.
01 Composite Difficulty – Difficult
Keywords: repulsion, resentment, resistance
You can feel that the other party’s attitude is indifference and ignorance, wishing you could disappear in front of her eyes. The messages you send usually disappear, and the things you send are also silent. At a certain stage, you feel a deep sense of powerlessness. If you can’t get it out of your mind, you will feel that nothing you do is useless, even if your starting point is right, the other party’s tolerance and acceptance are very low.
Common examples:
It’s been almost a year since we broke up, and I haven’t looked for her once during this time. She always adds me once in a while, but every time I choose to block. She tried all the ways she could think of to add, and I blocked them all. Originally, after we broke up, we wouldn’t have any more contact, and it’s okay. Last winter, she also came to me once and came here alone by train in the middle of the night. We had a very unpleasant conversation that night, and she kept apologizing to me. But I have always said that there is no use apologizing now, and I have always been resistant and decisive. It was early in the morning, and she said you can go, and I left, leaving her alone.
Common manifestations:
–01 Contact information deleted and blocked, Moments blocked
–02 The call got through, but no one answered it forever
–03 Replies to indifference often say the most: don’t contact me if you have nothing to do
–04 The number of words in the reply is extremely small: Oh, yes, no (feeling like a robot without emotion)
–05 refuse to help, even if it is a very simple thing
–06 unwilling to answer the phone or the other party changed the number
–07 The reply speed is slow, and I only replied the next day after sending it today
If the above situation occurs to you, listen to my advice:
Don’t get carried away by emotions at this time, Think about doing some mysterious operation like a god, some third party intervenes, and you can save your success in a month. The other party thinks you are a bomb now, and wants to stay away from you What are you talking about compounding?
How to recover from this situation, you have to pay attention to what is written in the second measure later
02 Composite Difficulty – Normal
Keywords: peace, no feeling, simple
At this stage, at least the other party is willing to maintain a relationship with you (even if it is a non-couple relationship) and is willing to listen to you and have an attitude of listening to your opinions.
Common cases:
I have been separated from him on and off for almost 4 months. He was very kind to me before. He shared with me from morning to night every day. He is a typical Leo man. He is domineering, possessive, and jealous. We also quarrel over small things, but we will Make up soon. The last time I hurt his face too much, he was very determined to break up, I also feel that we are always tired of arguing over small things, I hope he can be more mature and ignore it, he will take the initiative to talk to me at first. And so on, I also hope that we will separate for some time to think about our respective problems, but I have not taken the initiative to find him.
I have been disconnected for 11 days because the things his brother bought before he was admitted to university arrived and I wanted to give him. I took the initiative to contact him, and he was not so indifferent. I asked about the situation of the unit, and he also told me something, and he again asked me to bring him some wine as a treat, because I used to bring him some wine, so I did. I hinted that I wanted to get back together and he still disagreed, and he would reply when I talked to him.
Common manifestations:
–01 can keep simple normal contact
–02 willing to be friends
–03 willing to help
–04 will answer the phone
–05 The attitude of replying is not perfunctory, send four or five sentences of information, and will not reply one um, oh, ok
–06 Occasionally take the initiative to extend the topic
–07 The circle of friends is open normally, and comments will be replied
–08 The reply speed will generally not exceed three hours
–09 The gift is not very expensive, I will refuse it, but I am willing to accept it
This can also be said to be a stage of heaven and hell.
If the redeemer is a very impatient person, it is easy to act too hastily, too much about the current status, and be anxious to get back together with the other party. When the sense of trust, comfort, and security is not much, the relationship will be warmed up blindly, such as through frequent visits to the other party, Trying to buy some expensive gifts to speed up the reunion will often lead to a longer and longer reunion road, and even a worsening of the relationship, or even to the point of being blacklisted and deleted.
03 Compound Difficulty Letter – Simple
Keywords: Positivity, Pleasure, Comfort
If you are lucky enough to be at this stage, first of all, I would like to congratulate you. Maybe you have read a lot of dry goods after you broke up. You have gone through ninety-nine and eighty-one difficulties and paid a lot, but now, you are one step away from getting back together. away.
Common examples:
When we are in a relationship, we have a good impression of each other (online dating), but when it comes to dating, I took this step first. Later, after the meeting, there were not many topics. We met twice, and after returning home, we talked less for the first time. Later, he felt very vague to me, and I knew that I just didn’t like it. After breaking up for more than a month, I missed him very much, and I proposed to get back together when I had no choice. He didn’t agree but kept in touch with me. Good morning, good night, or things to do in a day, etc. Later, when we chatted and got a feeling, I took the initiative to ask what we are now, and he directly replied that I was very vague. I?? ? Then he still took the initiative to talk to me the next morning… I couldn’t help but reply…
Common manifestations:
–01 Post a circle of friends who has a cold and will take the initiative to care about you
–02 Moments will post something related to you
–03 will look at your space and dynamics
–04 will take the initiative to chat with you
–05 will share some delicious food with you
–06 will share nice selfies with you
–07 Don’t resist saying some ambiguous words and sexual hints
–08 Will not reject your appointment without reason
–09 I haven’t replied to your message for too long, I will take the initiative to explain the reason
–10 does not exclude some physical contact
–11 will offer to help you
–12 will take the initiative to buy things for you or order takeaway
For cases at this stage, recombination is only a matter of time. It only needs to create one or two opportunities for recombination, and the matter will be reunited.
But if you, who are reading the article, are ambiguous even in judging the signal of compound will, Jin Kun is still quite happy to help fans
The second measure is to test contact based on feedback
Attention, attention, attention:
The premise of successful recovery must be based on the condition that the other party constantly gives you positive feedback.
For example, you and your girlfriends and brothers have changed from strangers to a pair of brothers and sisters who are sympathetic brothers and sisters. They also continue to give each other positive feedback and release goodwill to each other, which leads to the final result of confirming the relationship.
But in recovery, many people often have a misunderstanding:
Many people will ask me: Are you not a psychological counselor? Can’t you see what the other person is thinking at a glance?
Psychological counselors are not gods, and they have no way of guessing the minds of visitors and the other party. Therefore, psychological counselors will not tell fortunes to predict the future, nor can they modify and manipulate memories. So, why do some people feel that when I chat with a psychological counselor, it seems that the other party can see through me? This does not rely on any mysterious magic power, but on a lot of learning and practical experience, and needs to be supervised in practice. No matter which psychological theory and genre, it is based on a large number of experimental observations and case tracking, statistics, and analysis, and comes from scientific research.
The same goes for the consultation process. The consultant does not imagine certain judgments out of thin air, but observes and collects data from various angles through conversations, sorts out the materials, and then draws inferences, and verifies and discusses them with the visitor. For example, how the visitor makes an appointment, whether they are on time, which seat to choose, how to open the scene, clothing, sitting posture, gestures, tone of voice and speed of speech, facial expressions, content of the narration, pause time, etc. The pheromones transmitted, so we can only infer the other party’s emotional attitude through the other party’s behavior.
Therefore, it is very important to “explore contact based on feedback”, because through some exploratory contact, we combine and review your situation, and then determine the psychological state of the other party, and then judge the difficulty of compounding at the current stage, to adopt what method To upgrade the relationship, instead of disconnecting, improving, and attracting that set for the second time.
Operation: Composite Difficulty – Difficult
Easing the other party’s emotions is the first element. Often more important than you redeem yourself and improve yourself (this stage)
Just like you hate when the teacher assigns you homework, even if you know that the teacher’s starting point for you to do the homework is to wish you well, but you will still subconsciously resist it. Just like when you are arguing with your friend and the other party is a little angry, even if you bring up the theory of Confucius, even if he knows that he is indeed wrong, he will insist on confronting you for a few words.
In the final analysis, a connection with resistance, even if what you say is more reasonable than Lao Tzu, the result may still be scattered.
As the saying goes: don’t speak when you are sad, don’t argue when you are angry, and don’t promise when you are happy. ——Battelle “Speak as you please”
Correct way:
04, action, take care of each other in behavior
Many people told me that Mr. Jin Kun, I wrote several 2,000-word seed letters, and gave them the letter of guarantee, but there was no response at all. I have also come into contact with this situation and seen it a lot. Please, big brother and big sister, you all If you can’t take care of the other party’s current emotions, why do you want the other party to believe that you can change and give the other party a happy future?
The other party doesn’t want to see you, don’t run into her at the intersection where she gets off work every day, don’t think it’s a surprise, but a fright!
The other party is unwilling to respond, and bombards the other party every day, why do you treat me like this? Wouldn’t it be okay to chat a little less? So why don’t you show your love when you have time, can’t you invite two friends to have a meal? The other party blocked you and deleted you. When you add it back, I beg you to find a better excuse instead of saying: pass quickly, I have something to tell you, delete it after finishing it? (For example, the other party has your things there, and the other party can provide you with the only help)
Whether a person is willing to be with you does not depend on how closely you chase each other. A famous psychologist said in an intimate relationship: maintaining a relationship has a theory of interdependence, which means, We will only maintain an intimate relationship with those partners who can provide enough benefits. Simply put, both partners in an intimate relationship must satisfy their interests, otherwise the intimate relationship cannot continue. If it is useful if you chase after it closely, there won’t be so many single people, and there won’t be people who spend hundreds of thousands to marry their wives, and save some money to buy themselves some good cigarettes?
- Rebuild trust
When a relationship has reached this point, it is nothing more than being completely disappointed in you in love, feeling that you can’t give the other party what they want, and the other party has also considered it carefully and finally made a decision.
Don’t blame the other party for being cruel, first review your problems, and don’t think that you are the one who was injured after being broken up.
Therefore, the top priority of recovery must be to rebuild trust.
American psychologist Anderson once drew a table listing 550 adjectives that describe people. He asked college students to choose their favorite and least favorite qualities. The results showed that the ten most popular personality traits in interpersonal relationships, in order of order, are: sincerity, honesty, understanding, loyalty, trustworthiness, dependability, intelligence, caring, understanding, and enthusiasm. The ten least popular personality traits, in order of order: deceitful, eccentric, malicious, cruel, dishonest, inauthentic, artificial, unreliable, cold, and greedy. In short, trust is sincerity plus time. There is still a little chance
Whether it is through the circle of friends, the side transmission of mutual friends (not persuasion and reconciliation), the display of social platforms, and the side transmission in the interaction, the purpose is to make the other party trust again that you can bring him the love experience he wants.
In addition, I would like to recommend another method – Dutch cow therapy
On Dutch pastures, cows wear bells around their necks that jingle as they walk, so that their owners know where the cows are at any time without the need for fences. In a paper published in 1990, Gilad mentioned a therapy called “Dutch Cow” to help couples and couples troubled by trust.
In one case, a fan told me: Mr. Jin Kun, I have been talking with my boyfriend for nearly half a year. At the beginning, I was hesitant to accept him and hurt him. I knew I was wrong, so I decided to choose When we are together, we must treat him well and stay together. As a result, we will quarrel repeatedly after we are together. It’s all because he doesn’t believe me, and if he doesn’t contact me for a while, he will say that I am messing with other men. Because of him, I don’t even play online games. He deleted all the circle of friends of the opposite sex in QQ, and my mobile phone number is also If he changes, he will still doubt me.
The most exaggerated time, I even complicate things that were nothing in order not to let him think about it. That time I slept late at night and slept until the afternoon the next day, and then he called and asked me why I hadn’t contacted him. I lied to him that I went out to dinner with my sister before, because he would never believe me if I said I was sleeping. He is such a person. Later he called my sister to ask about it, and it was exposed. After this incident, he didn’t believe me even more, and he always used it as an excuse, saying that I can’t change my dog’s ability to eat shit. So far he has I can’t believe that nothing happened that day.
I am often upset by him. When we are together, he is very kind to me. He buys food and supplies for me, and takes me out to play. He also said that he loves me very much because he is afraid of losing me, but we are almost every day. I’m going to quarrel, I’m very unhappy, what should I do.
For her request, I gave her a little suggestion and asked her to call the other party every 2 hours. In this way, it lasted for several weeks, and the other party’s emotions and anxiety were greatly relieved, and the conflicts between the two parties were also reduced a lot. Sometimes the other party would say, I feel that you like me more and more.
The beauty of this therapy is that:
One is to increase the frequency and content of communication, especially when girls who have cheated before take the initiative to inquire about the situation of the other party, and naturally focus on the two people; second, it is very clever to let the other party understand the girl’s Whereabouts, through the phone, the other party can confirm that his girlfriend is not with other members of the opposite sex. This therapy will hopefully also be a great inspiration for you when the trust between you is broken:
First, the party who made the mistake should take the initiative to ask the needs of the partner, and care about the partner in every possible way;
Second, the party who made the mistake should actively and frequently report his situation to his partner, such as taking the initiative to talk about what he is doing, such as voluntarily handing in his mobile phone to express his willingness to accept review;
Third, focus on the relationship between the two of you and feel each other’s emotions and needs.
The destruction of trust only takes a moment, but the rebuilding of trust takes a long, long time. Easing the partner’s jealousy and anxiety is the first step in restoring trust. Only when the other party sees your changes can they rebuild trust.
Only by rebuilding trust can the negative impression of you be improved.
Only when the negative impression is improved, will it become “compound difficulty” normal.
If you also encounter emotional problems, you can click to add the teacher WeChat
Click to jump to the third party
- Tentative contact
The purpose of this operation is to obtain feedback from the other party and judge the psychological state of the other party through some contacts. In the early stage, there is no need to care too much about whether the feedback is positive or negative.
If you get positive feedback, congratulations, you can hit the snake with the stick, and upgrade the relationship in time. Don’t be too discouraged if you get negative feedback, first step back, and then lay the groundwork and plan the next tentative contact
During this process you may encounter:
The other party tends to ignore the chat, so calm down, I will take the initiative to end the chat to avoid arousing resentment
The other party refuses to chat, hold your breath, and my appropriate circle of friends likes and comments
The other party deleted the contact information, calm down, I will rationalize the mistake and say simply to be friends
The other party feels that there is no need to be friends, so calm down, I will not give pressure contact and provide value for some time, regardless of whether the other party responds or not. Don’t be too hasty during the trial process. If you don’t respond after one contact, it’s like losing your soul. If you are like this, I don’t recommend you to restore it, because only after repeated trials and analysis can you confirm the other party’s resistance and attitude towards you based on the feedback. Has resistance decreased
It doesn’t matter if you don’t respond once or twice, and it doesn’t matter if you only talk a few words in each chat.
The important thing is that you can feel that the resistance and aversion of the other party is decreasing step by step, and the degree of acceptance is increasing. Then you can appropriately increase the frequency of chatting, increase the chatting methods, increase the chatting sentences, and gradually change from weak interaction to strong interaction. Upgrade the relationship.
Operation: Composite Difficulty – Normal
When you are at this stage, often the other party can maintain a certain amount of communication with you in a relatively flat and peaceful manner. This also shows that the other party has also invested in this relationship, such as financial investment, time investment, and emotional investment. Spiritual investment, another undeniable point, is not to resist and accept to a certain extent that you provide value to him, whether it is emotion, economy, life, appearance, time and so on. (But this doesn’t mean you can mess around)
Just like your boyfriend broke your lipstick, you can’t wait to change a boyfriend, but when you are still willing to treat him well, cook and wash dishes for him, he will secretly buy you new clothes to coax you, change boyfriend Friends don’t seem to be that important anymore.
But one more thing to understand is: this is just trivial. Even if the other party is willing to help you, he will give you a certain amount of investment and accept your overtures, which does not mean that he is willing to get back together.
Just like you have a good relationship with your roommate, he is willing to spend time and energy to help you, buy food for you, and carry your luggage for you. They are inseparable every day, and there are endless topics to talk about, but it does not mean that the other party is willing to share the same bed with you pillow or bed
Therefore, at this stage, it is crucial to improve the relationship, create the process of attraction, cultivate the feeling of love, implant the anchor, enhance the sense of intimacy, establish a reward mechanism, and create a sense of comfort.
specific methods:
- Continuously and stably give value and display value
Human nature is neither good nor evil, human nature is fundamental and beneficial. Human nature is a genetic characteristic. We human beings are fighting against the environment for the transmission of our genes. The long evolutionary path has made genes extremely cunning. Seeking advantages and avoiding disadvantages has become an instinct. Without restrictions, we can do any cruel things, etc. Finally turned into dust, the cruel gene was spurned and destroyed by all genes. On the other hand, what kind of self-sacrifice can be made for the survival of all genes, and that sacrificed gene will be remembered by all genes. From a crude point of view, all good and evil are just a business deal, so it is said that human nature is based on profit.
Girls I met at a party are very good at meeting and interacting. Why the desire to chat is not strong when I just added WeChat, a large part of the reason is that the value of display is very weak: just like your cousin introduced a girl to you, and the post on Moments is not about going to a bar. Even some fishing circles, you don’t want to talk to her, do you?
Whether you can get the other party to release their favor, a large part of the reason is whether the value you provide is strong enough and whether it is stable
Just like a classmate, I brought you a bottle of water after class, you don’t have to, but it is undeniable that you at least think that I am worth dating, and it will not be a loss to maintain a relationship with me. In the end, you accepted it and thanked me. Next time I will buy you a drink. Does that mean you are showing me your favor? This is the result of human nature to seek advantages and avoid disadvantages.
What is the purpose of doing this?
stupid? Isn’t it just to get the goodwill from the other party, so we can upgrade the relationship later?
- Create attraction process and create emotional interaction
A good intimate relationship is often inseparable from the process of making attraction and emotional interaction:
Just like when you were in junior high school, when a certain boy in your class liked a certain girl, he would often do some small tricks, such as deliberately saying that there was something on her head, putting some bugs on her desk to scare her, deliberately creating emotional interaction, to establish A process of chasing each other and making a fuss. In the end, you will find that even if they are not together, their relationship is much stronger than you hiding in the corner and not saying a word
There is a suspension bridge effect in psychology: when a person walks through the suspension bridge in fear, he looks up and finds a person of the opposite sex. This is the most likely situation to generate feelings. Because of the rapid heartbeat caused by the suspense on the suspension bridge, it will be mistaken for the reaction of seeing the destined other half. This is why after the hero saves the beauty in the movie, the beauty will fall in love with the hero who saved her.
Communication skills can be used at this time: visual imagination, pushing and pulling, flirting, etc.
Push and pull:
It doesn’t look like it’s going to work, did you go to be a thief last night, wait for me to cook in person another day, and let you taste what is food in the world
I didn’t expect you to be serious about painting, and it’s okay to be dazed
flirt:
The eyebrows are long, are they fake? (laughing)
So good, I reward you with a lollipop.
I don’t even order my portion of milk tea, my conscience is so bad
visual imagination:
Big fool, it feels like you look like this pig now, stupid
If you have mastered memorization at this step, congratulations, no surprises, you have stepped on this step of (compound difficulty-simple), and you are just one step closer.
- Create a sense of addiction
Learn to control the rhythm of chatting, create a sense of addiction, and actively end the topic
This is a very important step, don’t think about it from morning to night, wake up, you are not in a relationship yet!
In the process of chatting and interacting at this stage, when you slowly find that the other party’s feedback is getting better and better, whether it’s tone, attitude, or second reply, extending the topic, etc., properly learn to create a sense of addiction and actively withdraw.
Why?
When you watch a movie with gusto, your dad calls you to buy a bottle of soy sauce right away, and you can’t refuse, how would you feel?
When you were out playing script kills with your friends, your mom called you and you had to answer
You just want to run to buy soy sauce right away, answer the phone, and then hurry back and continue watching dramas and playing script killing!
Because properly creating a sense of addiction and loss will make the other party have more expectations of you in the next contact, and even take the initiative to find you
I have the desire to chat, and next time I talk to you more, it will inevitably give you twice as much goodwill and affection
There is no doubt about this.
Operation: compound difficulty – simple
This stage is generally inseparable from these points. They will take the initiative to pay for you, occasionally say some ambiguous words to you, invite you actively, and have physical contact. Then there is one thing you need to understand: it means that the other party is interested in you. You have intimacy needs.
Secondly, congratulations to you, my friend, it only takes one chance for this relationship to break through to a lover again. Take it easy on this aspect, add a dose or two of compound water, and the two of you can happily hold hands again.
specific methods
- Create a sense of chase
The advantages of establishing a sense of pursuit: on the one hand, it can avoid the risk of rejection caused by being too tight, and on the other hand, it can also express goodwill
For example, the other party wants to invite you out to play (requirement forwarding)
I’m not going, I’ll go if you ask me, I’m not very shameless, unless you invite this girl to eat crayfish
Another example is when he compliments you on your beautiful photos and says some earthy love stories
——Hey, you said these sweet words again, I don’t like your tricks, I want to maintain the image of a lady
With such a gesture of refusal and welcome, inevitably, the gods who do not eat human fireworks will also be moved by the hearts of the mortals, and they will be fascinated by you.
- Pass on goodwill, convey ambiguity
The important point of this step is: we only pass on our good feelings, and we don’t force the other party to get back together. On the one hand, the other party can understand our attitude and intentions, and on the other hand, there will be no risk of evasion due to great pressure.
For example: pass on favor
Positive approach (transmitting favor + not forcing reunion)
I went out with you yesterday, and found that you have changed a lot, and you are more and more likable
Negative approach (transmitting good feelings + forcing reunion)
I went out with you yesterday and found that you have changed a lot, and I want to get back together with you
Just remember to keep this mentality: it’s up to you whether you like me or not, I like you anyway, and I won’t force you to get back together
We can advance, attack, retreat, or defend, and the opponent doesn’t even have a reason to reject us.
- Implantation of heart anchor
This is a little trick that novices can easily learn. In psychology, “anchor” is a form of conditioned reflex, that is, “the conditioned reflex produced by the link between a certain mood in a person’s heart and a certain action or expression of behavior.” When the other party touches this link, it can cause a certain emotional reaction from the other party, which is a very useful means of subconscious communication. This theory was first proposed by Russian physiologist Ivan Pavlov.
The operation is simple, there is no bells and whistles, but it can easily let the other party feel the information you convey.
For example, “chat communication”
Implant expected anchors:
Seeing that you like to eat stewed chicken with potatoes, I have time to cook for you on weekends, but it is not free for you to eat. You have to help me. If the cooking is unpalatable, you are not allowed to say anything that is not conducive to unity. , One for this girl to finish eating.
If we go on the ferris wheel again, will you spit on me like before?
What if the other party ignores it?
The feedback from the other party is not enthusiastic, so hold your breath, after all, you won’t waste time and cost, just return it and settle it for a while
If luck is good and the other party’s feedback is good, does that mean that your relationship has gone further?
You will never lose money if you are rejected, and you will earn blood if you accept it.
Finally, I will share today’s article here. I hope that after reading it, you will also gain love
Sometimes recovery is not so complicated, you do everything well and explain everything