I know we’ve all seen those romantic movies where countless times couples overcome any obstacle. No matter what happens, they stay together.
The message is always the same: nothing can conquer the power of love!
But here’s the thing:
Love may be unconditional, but relationships are not.
So if you feel like you’re in a harmful, unhealthy relationship simply because you love your partner, it’s time to reconsider that statement.
Here are the top 13 signs that your relationship is beyond repair and it’s time to break up.
1) You fantasize about how your relationship will improve
Except it never happens. You just believe that your relationship will eventually get better!
Do you ever say these things to yourself?
I know they will eventually appreciate and love me more.
They will have more time for me when they finish school.
We’ll be closer when we move in together.
I know they will take it a step further once we get married.
The problem is that you may not have specific, actionable steps to achieve your goals. You probably don’t have a timeline for these things either.
They just have a vague idea that their partner will change for the better when other things in their life happen or change.
Sure, it’s technically possible.
But trust me, change can only happen when people actually want it.
If your partner doesn’t want to change, don’t expect them to.
If you don’t make some uncertain, hypothetical future the basis for maintaining a relationship. What matters is the here and now.
2) Your needs and wants are not being met
No relationship is perfect. You can’t always get everything you want the way you want it.
But what if that’s the most basic need? What if there are big needs that aren’t being met? Is there a core mismatch?
That’s probably the biggest sign that the relationship isn’t working.
It’s definitely a question of what if:
Your emotional needs are not being met.
You have incompatible values.
They aren’t making an effort to love you in your love language.
You have different visions for the future – such as marriage, children, and careers.
Ask yourself: can you spend the rest of your life with this person if your greatest needs and desires are not being met?
Of course, if you really love this person, then you will try to compromise or work something out. But sometimes, there’s just nothing you can do about it.
3) You fight all the time
Arguing is an inevitable, if not necessary, part of a relationship. It is one of the main ways you discuss and solve problems as a couple.
As a result, you get to know each other better and become closer.
But…
This is a big but…
This is only true if your arguments are constructive and productive.
When you argue, are you:
Focused on finding a solution?
Still respect each other?
Making progress in solving the problem?
Able to become closer over time?
I hope the answer is yes. Because if it’s not, then that’s a huge sign that the relationship has run its course.
If your arguments always devolve into yelling and insults while doing nothing to solve your problems, it might be time to break up.
Constant bickering like this can exhaust you and gradually suck the love you once had for your partner dry. In addition, if you can’t solve your problems, this could also indicate a fundamental incompatibility between you.
On the other hand, some couples don’t argue at all. Instead, they choose to sweep their problems under the rug. This is just as bad because you are not putting in the effort to actually become better partners with each other.
You should be able to talk honestly and openly with your partner about difficult topics. This is a sign of a healthy relationship and is worth maintaining.
4) Your partner only loves and supports you when you’re happy
It’s easy to love someone when they are happy and at their best. I understand that we also often feel pressure to be on our best behavior, especially when we first start dating.
But eventually, life kicks in.
You will have a bad day ……
You’ll get sick ……
You may be grieving the death of a loved one ……
You may be plagued by depression or anxiety ……
Loving someone only in good times isn’t love, it’s obsession. Because loving someone only in their good side, or only when they are happy, means loving not the person, but an idealized version of them.
A partner worth keeping is a partner who will love and support you more when you’re having a hard time. After all, life isn’t perfect and neither are we.
If you can’t open up to your partner about your darkest emotions or rely on them for support during the toughest times, then they are not the partner for you.
5) You don’t feel fulfilled
Everyone has a different idea of what a fulfilling relationship is.
Some may need consistent quality time together, while others may want a relationship that is easy to maintain so they can focus on their career.
Either way, you need to find someone who matches your preferences. Someone who can fulfill your needs and desires and love you the way you want to be loved.
Of course, if your partner can’t fulfill you, you need to communicate with them constructively about how they can love you better. But sometimes, no matter what you do, they are the same and you remain unfulfilled.
There is no reason to stay in such a relationship. And yet, many people still do it because they’re afraid they won’t find someone better.
But here’s the catch, okay?
You won’t find someone “better” – because “better” means that what you have now is good. But it’s not good.
Stop wasting your time and energy. Find someone good – specifically, someone who is right for you.
6) Your sex life is gone
Physical intimacy may not be all there is to a relationship, but it’s still one of the biggest pillars.
If you never think about having sex with your partner, or worse, if even the idea of it disgusts you, something is seriously wrong with your relationship.
Of course, periods of sexual apathy are normal and common. Life may get busy and the honeymoon period is over.
But honestly ask yourself: are you still attracted to your partner? Do you still desire them sexually? Is the passion still there?
At the end of the day, mutual attraction and a healthy, mutually satisfying sex life are key to keeping the flame alive in a relationship.
And it’s not even just sex. Do you still enjoy kissing your partner? Or cuddle with them? If not, then that’s a very, very bad sign.
If you’re no longer physically intimate with your partner, it’s probably because of one or more of these three reasons:
You are no longer interested in your partner, or vice versa.
Other issues in the relationship have killed your sex drive.
You’re not willing to put in the effort to reconnect physically.
Any combination of these reasons is worth considering a breakup.
7) You turn to others to fulfill your needs
Because your partner isn’t meeting your needs, you may be looking to someone else to fulfill them. We’re not just talking about cheating.
Are you ……
talk about your problems with other people because you feel you can’t open up to your partner?
Always prefer to spend your free time with other people instead of your partner?
Find yourself lusting after other people?
What needs to be understood here is that if you are doing these things, you have effectively given up on the relationship.
You’re no longer trying to fix or improve things because, well, maybe you’re tired of trying uselessly.
You’re doing it because deep down you know there’s no point in maintaining the relationship. So go with your gut.
8) You don’t trust each other
This is a huge problem. It’s also an overlooked problem.
If you don’t trust someone, how can you say you love them? Trust is absolutely crucial to any normal relationship.
Sure, some uncertainty, insecurity, and even jealousy are normal, especially in a newly established relationship. But if you find yourself in a constant state of tension around your partner because of a lack of trust, something is definitely wrong.
It all starts with small problems. Then these problems develop into serious suspicions and even attempts to control them.
You ask to see their cell phone.
You need to know where they are all the time.
You try to limit their interactions with other people.
You feel the need to micromanage them.
None of this will be fun or fulfilling for either of you.
9) You’re afraid to envision a future with them
I would say that this is probably the biggest but most subtle issue.
If you can’t envision a future with them without your heart breaking into a cold sweat, then they’re not the one for you.
If you can’t imagine a future with them, then it’s simple: you really don’t have a future with them.
All the other signs I listed above clearly indicate that your relationship, well …… kind of sucks.
But this can happen even if the relationship doesn’t suck at all.
Sometimes ……
There are incompatibilities that seem minor on paper, but are painful to deal with in real life.
You’ve just grown up with each other.
You want different things out of life.
It really is a “it’s not you, it’s me” thing.
While it’s definitely a frustrating thing to deal with, you can take comfort in the fact that neither of you did anything wrong.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s absolutely normal to have some doubts about whether or not you’ll marry this person or spend the rest of your life with them.
However, if this feeling is persistent or intense, or worse, both, then it is indeed a sign that the relationship has run its course.
Let go of the relationship and let you and your partner find someone else they can truly “live happily ever after” with.
10) You only feel safe when you’re together
A truly happy and healthy relationship is based on mutual comfort and trust. This means that whether you’re together or apart (whether they’re just going out for drinks or you’re in a long-distance relationship), you feel secure in the relationship.
If you’re not together, or not messaging each other regularly, and you can’t help but feel abandoned, insecure or anxious, then this could be a sign of a range of problems.
However, in my experience, this is usually because of the following reasons:
Firstly, you may have an anxious attachment style. This makes it difficult for you to be alone and away from those you love. If you think this may be the case for you, I highly recommend talking to a therapist, emotional counselor, or any mental health professional.
Either this is the case or your partner is giving you reasons to be insecure all the time. For example, have they cheated on you before?
You should also be aware that both of these could be true. You may have an anxious attachment style, but you’re still dealing with it in a healthy way – it’s just that your partner keeps doing this kind of thing that goes directly against your attachment style. This is not a good sign; they are actually hurting you by continuing to do this.
Another reason could be that your anxious attachment style is blinding you to the fact that the relationship is (far from) optimal or even just healthy.
While dealing with your attachment style is ultimately your responsibility, not your partner’s, someone who truly loves and supports you will still try to help you work through it. That’s a relationship worth maintaining.
11) Your partner isn’t even trying
Remember, love alone doesn’t sustain a relationship, you really need to work for it.
In fact, I think putting in effort is the greatest sign of love.
Has it been a year – I don’t know – and you still haven’t met his friends and family? (Even though they live five minutes away?)
Do they still hide the fact that they’re married on social media? Have they never invited you out for a night on the town or to a party? Do they continue to do the things that annoy you even though you’ve told them repeatedly, without any indication that they’re trying to change?
If they’re not even trying, then they’re not in love at all. I firmly believe this. So leave.
12) You’re being abused.
Abuse of any kind is the biggest red flag of all. It’s a sign that you should end the relationship as soon as possible.
By abusing you, they’re not only a less than ideal partner, they’re even an absolutely terrible person.
I know that leaving a relationship, even one with an abuser, is easier said than done.
But remember, leaving is still absolutely necessary for your safety and happiness.
13) Your finances are not the same
As sad as this is, money really does matter.
I’ve come to realize that no matter how much you love each other, financial issues will eventually come to bite you in the ass.
In fact, it’s probably one of the biggest things that gradually erode a couple’s love.
Before committing in any way, it’s absolutely essential to determine if you have the same financial priorities in life. As a couple, you need to know if you agree on how you will earn, spend, save and distribute your finances in the relationship.
Will you save for a house or travel the world? Do you want to focus on your career and make as much money as possible or do you want to relax more in life? How will you split the financial costs?
If you really think you’re in a serious relationship with this person, you need to talk about these things. Communication is key, right?
Also, financial responsibility is a great sign of emotional maturity. (And you don’t want to be with someone who is emotionally immature, right?)
A person who…
Spends more on wants than needs.
Spends more money than they actually can.
Lets debt pile up.
Refuses to think about the future.
……. Will lead to a lot of frustration and resentment. Believe me, I’ve been there.
How to cope after a breakup
Breakups are hard and often confusing.
Even if you had a peaceful breakup, you are bound to experience a confusing mix of emotions.
Positive emotions like relief and excitement for the future. But there are also negative emotions like sadness, confusion, and even regret.
Nothing can get you completely over the pain of a breakup. But these tips should make it easier for you to pick up the pieces and move on.
Give yourself some space.
After a breakup, you need space and time apart – and I mean completely. Yes, even if you broke up peacefully and plan to remain friends.
You need to be alone for quite some time. During your relationship, your life was partially defined by another person. You need to take time to find and focus on yourself again.
So, don’t see them or even text them until you feel like you’ve let go completely. In fact, if you really want to remain friends, your friendship will only be better if you start talking only after you have completely healed yourself.
Don’t suppress your emotions
Now is not the time to commiserate.
Now is the time for emotional catharsis and inner healing. So if you want to cry it out or yell at the sky, then do it!
As long as you don’t hurt yourself or anyone else, then do what you can to release and process all your emotions.
Don’t rush it or think you don’t need it. If you don’t allow yourself to have a good cry, a good conversation with a friend, or a good time doing anything, you’re only hurting yourself! Really, whatever you need is fine.
Breakups are painful enough, so stop being so hard on yourself.
Have fun.
The best way to move on? Have fun!
It’s absolutely painful to know that one of your biggest sources of joy is now gone, so you need to find joy in other things. Remember that life has a lot to offer, so get out there and explore.
Travel, go out with friends, revive a former hobby, treat yourself to a fancy restaurant or spa ……
As always, do whatever makes you happy!
I once went to a haunted house after a breakup. That place scared me half to death and I almost cried at one point. It was embarrassing, I know.
But that’s the thing: it’s important to be blunt and stupid! Get out there and remind yourself that life is just as good even without your ex.
Before you leave this post (and maybe your partner too)
I want you to know that I’m talking about the big picture in this post. At the end of the day, you have the freedom of choice. Therefore, regardless of what I have said, you have the right and the power to break up with anyone for any reason.
You don’t need a specific reason or to fill out some sort of checkbox to leave someone. After all, you are the best judge of your partner, your relationship, and your entire life. Finally, do what makes you happy.
As always, think deeply about things and trust your instincts when making a big decision like this.
It’s going to be tough, but know that we’re rooting for you!