“Communication is the key to a healthy relationship.” Everyone says that, don’t they?
But it’s easier said than done – especially when you’re with a man who simply can’t communicate.
Whether it’s shutting down during an argument, distancing yourself when you feel troubled, or just not being able to open up at all, men who struggle with communication are a tricky problem.
But that’s because you can’t crack them in the first place. You have to gently peel back their layers.
Being a poor communicator doesn’t have to ruin your relationship; after all, it’s a skill that can be learned. Of course, your partner must be willing to try in order for it to work.
Your job is to create a safe space for them to open up. Here’s how to do this:
1) Maintaining inner calm and respect when communicating
Shhh! Come a little closer. Let me tell you a secret.
Many men run away from confrontation at the speed of light because they really hate drama.
They don’t want to fight. They don’t want three-hour-long arguments that go nowhere. They don’t want to go around in circles as you become more and more dissatisfied with each other.
Your man may have experienced this with other partners in the past, or they may have seen it happen when they were growing up at home. Whatever the reason, he may be having a hard time communicating because he expected this to happen before he even started.
Here’s what you can do.
You can express your feelings in a calm and respectful manner. You can use non-accusatory language with kindness and clarity. You can say, “I don’t want to argue. I just want us to discuss this calmly so we can work together to solve this problem.”
Once he knows that arguing is not your intention, he will be more willing to communicate.
2) Give him space if he needs it
I used to be one of those people who always had to speak up straight away. There was no cool down time, no space to organize our thoughts and process our emotions.
Then I learned the art of giving each other space and my disagreements with others have been much better ever since.
Some people need a little alone time before they can come up with solutions together. That’s okay.
If he tells you he needs to go out for a walk or into another room for a while, don’t stop him. I know it’s hard, but whether you realize it or not, space may be good for both of you.
In the meantime, you don’t have to just sit there and become increasingly angry. Instead, find an outlet for your emotions.
3) Don’t suppress your emotions
Your partner can’t communicate. But that doesn’t mean you have to suppress your feelings deep down, breeding resentment and anger until you explode.
When he needs space, or even when you’ve been feeling really irritated with him lately, make sure you have an outlet for your emotions.
And no, I don’t mean cooking with so much anger that the whole kitchen goes “thump, thump, thump.”
Go for a run. Exercise. Slam pillows in the safety of your bedroom. Dance to some energizing songs. Cry it out.
Once you get all your emotions out and then slowly lower your adrenaline levels, you’ll have a clearer feeling, which means you’ll be better able to communicate calmly and respectfully.
Anger makes you want to vent. It makes you say things you might regret later.
Don’t let it control you.
4) Don’t assume, but ask questions
“He hasn’t been very responsive lately. Maybe he doesn’t love me anymore.”
As someone with an anxious attachment style, I’ve had these thoughts in the past. In fact, in my previous relationships, I relied heavily on assumptions – until I realized how often I was actually wrong.
Assumptions are a dangerous game because you can never see the world from someone else’s perspective, only your own. Your partner may hold back for a number of reasons, but none of them have to do with their love for you.
I know from personal experience how difficult it is to date someone who doesn’t communicate well. It’s easy to fall into assumption mode and act on that.
But you know what’s better than that?
Ask the question.
“Hey, I’ve noticed you’ve been a little withdrawn lately. Is something bothering you?
I’m not saying that if you ask, your partner is going to tell you every single thing that’s bothering them, but in terms of your role in the relationship, asking straightforward questions is a great place to start.
5) Don’t make a big deal out of it
Some men hate it when you fuss over them. They don’t like the drama aspect. The same applies to communication.
If he decides to confide in you or bring up an issue he’s been thinking about, try not to get mad. Don’t over-dramatize things.
Listen actively with empathy. Be gentle and cordial. Thank him for confiding in you and ask him what would make him feel better – for example, does he want emotional comfort or is he looking for advice?
If he confides in you about something related to your relationship, do your best to understand his point of view and affirm his feelings. Then explain your point of view and invite him to brainstorm possible solutions.
It takes a lot of courage for a man who has difficulty communicating to open up to you. When he decides to open up to you, welcome his attempts with kindness and grace.
Be his safe space.
6) Be clear about your needs and expectations
A man who loves you wants you to be happy. Sometimes, it’s as simple as that.
He may have a hard time opening up, he may not be able to communicate clearly, he may need time to learn how to express himself …… But throughout, he wants to make you happy.
Tell him what you like, how you want him to treat you, and what you need in a relationship. Don’t waste your time with hints – many good men aren’t subtle enough to notice them.
Say it outright.
“I want us to go on a date at least once a week.”
“My love language is physical contact.”
“I feel most loved when we snuggle up and watch TV.”
Be honest, encourage his attempts to make you happy, and use your own communication skills to help him develop his.
It’s also a good idea to ask him what his own needs and expectations are so you can get on the same page.
7) Confirm progress
He may assure you that he will open up and learn to communicate better, but that doesn’t mean anything until he actually puts in the effort.
As the relationship progresses, you’ll want to keep an eye on how he makes you feel and how your interactions have changed over time.
Are things improving now? Or do you feel like there will always be some short-term changes until he goes back to his old habits and you have to start over?
If you don’t see any long-term improvement, it’s time to ask yourself:
Can you live with this forever?
8) Figure out if his communication style is unacceptable to you
Some men aren’t good at communicating, but they show their love in other ways – they’ll build you a new kitchen, surprise you with gifts to let you know they put a lot of thought into them, or pick you up from work every day no matter how tired they are.
Not everyone expresses love with words, and that’s okay.
However, every relationship eventually runs into some issues. These issues usually need to be dealt with in order for things to run smoothly, and if your partner can’t face any sort of conflict, no matter how hard you try to give him space and be friendly, it’s important to ask yourself if this is something you’re okay with in the long run.
It’s one thing to struggle with communication itself, but it’s still important to address your relationship issues through action.
It’s another thing to always run away from the problem and show avoidant behavior through an inability to communicate.
So, the last question I’m going to ask you is this:
If you were to spend your life with a man who couldn’t communicate, would you still be happy?
Your answer tells you what you need to know.
Did you like what you just read? I’d love to know what you think about it. So, leave a comment in the comments section. Also, remember to search Faye Chat Emotions on WeChat and follow Faye, who promises to be the lucky charm of your beautiful love life.