It is a “special column” for my readers, especially girls but not limited to girls. The purpose is to discuss some social imaginations, girls’ troubles, girls’ preferences, girls’ slenderness, and girls’ sensitivities. EMPOWER WOMEN is the tag that my team and I have always been on, and it is also the direction of our efforts.
We hope that the official account carries more social and cultural features. UNITE women have more people (regardless of gender) who exist to realize their charm and value, forming a place like a COMMUNITY. Let us You can speak freely and exchange ideas here, not to criticize but to discuss.
Update every Thursday or Friday or Saturday.
“It’s too difficult to find someone to fall in love with now!” There are always girls around me who sigh like this.
Every time I hear this, I can’t help but agree in my heart.
It seems to be difficult, many excellent girls around me are single.
The reasons are the same, the circle is small, the work is busy, and it seems to drain the last ounce of energy from the person at the end of the day so that people can’t care about the sweet luxury of love.
Looking at the lovers in pairs on the street, they just hold hands, it will make people feel that the picture is sweet and beautiful, yes, when did falling in love become so difficult? I couldn’t help but raise a glimmer of hope in my heart, picked up my phone, and opened the social app. But facing similar introductions and greetings, he involuntarily lowered his shoulders.
It’s not a big problem, it’s just that I suddenly feel that I can’t start.
Can you find reliable love in social software?
I am seriously researching and experiencing online dating and even started to look for more sociological and theoretical analysis from books. The motivation behind all this is that I found that in this era of fast food, online dating is not only It is a way to broaden our social circle, it is our conversation after dinner, but it is also our comfort after working overtime on a certain night, and it may be an opportunity for us to be disappointed in love again and again.
Further reading: The top 5 annoying people in the era of online love are all in this glossary.
The first time I used social software dating was in the United States. It was really cute at that time because the original intention at that time was just to hope that I could become a real “adult” (adult).
I have been exposed to various American dramas and the dating experience of friends around me. I always feel that I am still that child without a date, or that little girl who fantasizes that love will fall from the sky.
So I started to try various dating apps.
For so many years, on and off, hope and disappointment, deep and shallow attempts, I am a witness and observer of online dating. Now I still use Tinder, the reason is relatively simple and rude, my life and work scene can’t make me meet more straight men.
I believe that many girls have such feelings.
At the same time, I also began to enjoy the matter of “meeting”. Although I haven’t met any reliable love yet, I am less and less against the disappointment that this event brings to me. Instead, I can be more objective and courageous. Facing the encounter and farewell mixed with hope and disappointment.
I want to share with you some of my experiences:
(Because of personal real feelings, each person’s situation is different, it is recommended not to copy for reference)
1. Be curious about people
STAY CURIOUS
Lots of girls tell me they can’t get interested in a stranger.
This has never happened to me. The person I decided to meet must be someone I am curious about. I am not only curious about whether he can have a romantic story with me, but just curious about what kind of person he is. how to see the world.
I have always been curious about people. This matter keeps me learning, because people themselves are good teachers, and you can borrow wisdom from anyone.
And the curiosity about people itself is driven by the curiosity about your world and yourself. That kind of curiosity can make you constantly broaden your boundaries, to discover your unknown self in it.
Curiosity also could be very dangerous.
But it’s worth exploring with your bottom line.
Learn to be a person who can ask questions first. Ask questions sincerely. In the process of asking questions, you will continue to practice and maintain your curiosity. This small skill will help you continue to love the world and maintain enthusiasm for human beings.
2. Clearly distinguish between goals and results, and love is the result
LOVE IS THE RESULT.
Many people’s purpose in social software is too clear. Of course, I’m talking about those who want to find love, not those who only want sex (the clearer they are, the better, it’s good for everyone). And the next level of goal clarity is that your expectations are too high.
Let us clarify one thing first, love is a low-probability event, and more people only have companionship or one or several social relationships.
For social software such as Tinder, the medium is the content. Its setting is not just for marriage and love, and the groups that use it are even more colorful.
The result of being too clear in purpose will make you mechanically ignite hope, and then be disappointed again and again, and even destroy the beauty that should exist when people meet for the first time. It is not about love, but only about people and encounters.
Men and women in this world not only exist for love but also have many possibilities. One-night love, long-term friendship, or even caring for each other in a career can be beautiful things. People are diverse, fluid, and extremely complex creatures, but I always feel that sincerity can be beautiful.
Love is the result of two people getting to know each other and getting along.
And long-term love is the result and choice of two people running in with each other and tolerant of each other’s differences. All this is based on understanding and getting along with each other. Don’t let your fantasy, your noncommittal standards, and expectations, destroy the meeting of love or other beautiful things. possibility.
3. Be the one who is “sincere” first
Be genuine first.
Don’t mind sharing my Tinder profile with everyone:
No matter what you want please be genuine.
Don’t dim your personality.
Not a player.
Drama free.
Just a few words, tell everyone when I appear on their page, I can accept honesty, but I don’t like hypocrisy. Isn’t it because when you meet too many people who don’t agree with your purpose, some of them want sex, some want love, some want strange sex, or some want the love of many people together, but they will hide and show that they and you The purpose is the same, and then kill each other.
And I always believe that the person who takes the initiative and is sincere will get more sincerity.
I can understand many people, but I don’t necessarily choose to work with them, and sincerity is contagious, from here to there, I will help you filter out more people who are inconsistent with your expectations, so that you won’t end up wasting time, and they must be commensurate with each other as “scum”.
We are all human beings, there is no need to set people who do not meet your expectations as bad people.
NOTE: The premise of my sincerity is “safety”, not exposing too much personal privacy. Everyone must have a sense of security to understand the measure of sincerity.
In online dating, sincerity is the result of being honest with yourself, telling your feelings truthfully, going if you want to meet, not going if you don’t want to meet, liking if you like it, and not liking if you don’t like it, there is no need to force yourself to meet or not When you like someone, there is no need to prevent yourself from actively sending messages to ask the other party out because of all kinds of worries and fears in your fantasy.
While understanding others, we are constantly understanding and exploring ourselves.
There are love skills, but there are no skills in love. Don’t be too busy learning the chasing skills taught by the so-called dating experts on social networks. In front of the person you like, you will use some harmless “careful tricks”. Taste can be very cute, can also be very clumsy, learn it on your own, everyone depends on their ability.
But above all, sincerity meets sincerity.
4. Learn to enjoy dating
Enjoy your dating experience.
There are too many friends around me who constantly force themselves to date to get out of the singles, and some friends say that they have to drink a few drinks before going out every time, to give themselves courage and strength, and to embark on a small journey to meet a new human again.
It may be because of some experience, now I will no longer be too nervous because I want to meet “netizens”, and in the whole process of dating, I will not be at a loss because of being too nervous, exuding my acting personality, On the contrary, it becomes more and more natural, more and more comfortable, and makes myself comfortable.
The premise of all this is self-confidence.
No matter how delicious you are, there will be people who don’t like you. You are an apple with a special shape, and there will be people who like you. You just have to be you and trust yourself, and people who like you will like you.
I found that people around me who don’t enjoy dating have another major characteristic they are always too “pleased”. They care too much about other people’s evaluation of themselves, even if they don’t like the other party, they still expect the other party to send a message of praise after returning home.
When you learn to “please” yourself in dating, that is the beginning of you start to enjoy dating, put your feelings in the main body, instead of caring about other people’s evaluation everywhere, exhausting yourself, on the contrary, that confidence and natural state, from The power of the inside out will make you charming.
Dating life could be really enjoyable.
A glass of wine, many stories, and curiosity make everything cute.
Don’t think too much about it, it’s just a meeting with people and sharing your mutual stories.
5. If you want a real relationship, meet as soon as possible
The goal of online dating is to get offline as quickly as possible.
A friend chatted enthusiastically with people on the Internet, but when they met, they turned around and wanted to leave.
Friends, chatting by typing is completely different from getting along with someone face to face. My most direct and concise suggestion is to meet as soon as possible! Of course, the premise of this is that you want reliable love, not a playmate who can chat with you at any time.
The goal of online dating is to get offline as quickly as possible.
6. Learn and practice “expectation management”
Lower your expectations.
This is the most important “skill” I have learned in my years of dating experience.
A friend told me that in the process of using Tinder, we always give priority to those people who are full of enthusiasm online and want to fall in love immediately, but the result is always disappointing. I don’t want to see each other anymore.
And some people, will give priority to those who feel good to meet, and then continue to add to others, less disappointment, but more surprises.
I think this is the most important mentality in expectation management.
Learn to lower your expectations during the dating process, and then try to add to others, not subtract. It is easy for us to start expecting each other because of some verbal flirt (flirting), please don’t let yourself date a fantasy perfect partner.
If you want not to be disappointed, you must first learn to control your fantasies.
7. Love is not about men chasing women
Love is a two-way thing.
I always feel that love is not something that one party chases after the other.
Once out of curiosity, I set Tinder to show women and started looking at everyone’s profiles. I was surprised to find that some women have very tall postures, they look like they want to date them, and men have to work very hard to express themselves.
And many women also sneer at the matter of dating, it seems that the possibility of single men and women can only be limited to love or not love, which is too binary.
In the 21st century, are we talking about feminism still silently waiting for a man to chase you crazily like in a romance novel? When you realize that men are less and less active in pursuit, please think about why we must ask men to be the active party when we talk about equal rights.
Girls don’t lose their price at all when they take the initiative, but the best way is definitely to go in both directions. You take one step at a time, and everyone goes forward together, towards each other.
Take the initiative to say hello, take the initiative to ask, take the initiative to invite, the active person is not humble at all, the active person is the one who controls the rhythm of his life, they are brave and cute, why can’t girls take the initiative?
Don’t expect those 996 men who still think about love to approach you step by step, they are also very tired, why don’t you say hello first, you are a brave man on the ice-breaking journey.
8. Conditions are not everything in love
It’s more about who he is not his social tags.
Someone told me: Mia, you are so good, you don’t even have a boyfriend.
Regarding this point, I believe from beginning to end that love is related to whether a person is good or not, but it is not a decisive factor.
I figured I’d fall in love with someone who wasn’t so good just because I loved him.
Online dating makes it easy for people to take all the conditions as a package when they first feel good because it is convenient and fast enough.
In reality, many people will subconsciously put conditions a priority when choosing a mate. Some time ago, the “2019 Global Survey of Attitudes towards the United States” released by Yisop caused heated discussions on the Internet.
When DT Finance analyzed the data, it was found that both Chinese men and women have high standards for judging the opposite sex, and all data seem to be very strict in the second comparison of 27 countries around the world.
By comparing the data of men and women, they also found a rule-the difference in defining the beauty of women is usually determined by the country, ethnicity, and culture, not gender.
In China, regardless of men and women, the beauty that is generally recognized by everyone covers all aspects of appearance, interior, and material things—to be good-looking, to be kind, to have a successful career, and to be financially independent.
“2019 Global Survey of Attitudes towards the United States”
Moreover, compared with other countries, Chinese people value youth more when they understand beauty (not only girlishness, women also value youthfulness), wealth, and the range for measuring ideal height is also narrower.
Our standards of beauty are not only harsh and single but also tend to be comprehensive.
Love happens, is it necessarily linked to perfection or other excellent conditions? If a person is neither beautiful nor excellent, does he not deserve love? I think maybe not, just like the first love we miss the most, all happened at the time when we had almost nothing in our life. At that time, we didn’t know how to dress up, and we didn’t understand the see-saw game in love, but we embraced the cutest and purest love. throbbing.
At that time, the love we believed in was less fussy, so it seemed extraordinarily pure and beautiful. As a result, even if you meet many people in your future life and have many wonderful present and past experiences, the memories of the first time will always be hidden in a corner of your heart. It will hit you when you walk through a familiar intersection, hear a nostalgic song, or see a corny clip.
The look of loving someone carefully is something I will never forget no matter what.
On the contrary, when we grow up, we worry more when choosing a partner, but pay less. We are used to using our brains, but we are no longer easily emotional.
But love requires much simpler conditions. On the contrary, there are many conditions, and it is even more difficult to get love.
Sociologist Shen Yifei said that every time you add a condition, the number of spouses who meet the standard will be x (-0.5).
And the conditions that can be quantified can never prove that the feeling is right. We should never be exhaustive in our expectations of our romantic partners.
Conditions are very important, but what is more important is to see a person, his true self, his character, his psychology, his way of looking at the world, those things we call long-term shining points, not just those names, Those strengths, those looks, who he is determines who he is, and his character determines the path of his life.
If what you want is love, not a fancy life in fantasy or a domineering president falling in love with you, then our focus should be on those bits and pieces related to the fireworks of life.
9. Love should not pursue efficiency
Love is not about efficiency.
I understand very well that most of us ordinary people spend our entire lives chasing after things that can be obtained clearly and have a low risk of return on investment. We work hard, work hard, and study hard, and it is foreseeable that this is a relatively safe path. But love is caught in it, the cost is too high, the opponent is uncertain, and the income is erratic, which makes many people find it unbearable.
So we pursue efficiency, hoping to find the right person as soon as possible, so that life can quickly get on track, just like pursuing a business.
But the final result is often not to run in as soon as possible, but to give up as soon as possible.
Teacher Shen Yifei said when talking about love: “People should separate the public and private fields to pursue efficiency.” The work that is divided into the public field should naturally pursue efficiency and a higher input-output ratio, which is our survival instinct. But in the private domain, such as education and relationships, things come slowly and quickly, which is the natural law of our inner growth.
The 8-minute blind date is like a compressed biscuit, like the outline of a book. We can roughly understand its appearance, but we can’t see whether its core is as desired. Not all love in the fast food era tastes like chewing wax, but some things should not be pursued in the first place.
Don’t get anxious because a boy doesn’t talk to you all day, thinking that he doesn’t like you.
Although social software such as Tinder makes everyone seem to have unlimited choices, and the cost of getting to know new human beings continues to decrease, at the same time, it also naturally sets up obstacles for our love.
Don’t worry, even if everything is in pursuit of efficiency, love shouldn’t.
Good things take time.
10. The process of finding love is also finding yourself
Finding yourself.
I have so many stories to share, we have a long way to go.
I’m not an aggressive love seeker and I’m always uninstalling Tinder because I don’t have time to date. After all, I don’t want the disappointment of dating messing with my life.
But in this process of installation and uninstallation, encounters, and disappointments, I understand myself more and more.
How open, how brave, how honest I can be about what I like, what I don’t like, or like myself.
We always think that love is given by others. Now I feel that love is given first, and I still can’t truly define love. This doesn’t make me feel sad, it just makes me feel that the best yet to come is yet to come).
Although I also know that as long as I am alive, I will still be trapped by love and desire, at the same time I also know that the joys and sorrows along the way will teach me more. Feelings are very important to me. Calm, I will relive all the feelings, laugh, cry, to understand human beings, to understand myself.
I will still encourage everyone to try dating, meet humans constantly, and ensure their safety. Only social animals like humans can continue to study and develop themselves. If they stay where they are and do nothing, there may be no entanglement and pain, then there will be no beauty and joy.
Love is not the whole of life, but communication between people is indeed a subject that runs through life.
My last little piece of advice is:
The pessimistic reason, optimistic sensibility, observe the world, observe human beings, observe yourself, this world is just your playground, walk around, and you may find that love is the ice cream on the roadside of the playground.
It will be a long time in the future. Before I fall in love, I will continue to talk about this topic with you. I also look forward to everyone’s comments and private messages to me with your stories, because I am not only a person looking for love, but also want to “play” for observation and the people who wrote the world.
Thanks for reading.
To us who are still single in 2023.