If you’ve gone through a divorce or even been widowed, you may want to remarry.
For some people, part of being a couple just feels “right,” and seeking love and companionship is a natural extension of the human desire to connect with a partner. But how do you know if you really want to remarry?
A second or even third marriage is different from a first marriage. It’s just not the same – even for those who are thinking about marriage. You may be surprised to find yourself with conflicting thoughts and emotions.
Considering that many first marriages end in divorce, you may be skeptical about getting married. Hopefully, you’ll keep all this in mind and approach marriage with your eyes wide open, ready for all that it demands.
But when you consider that 67 percent of second marriages – and even more second marriages – end in divorce, then this statistic should make you stop and think. There are several theories about why second marriages end in divorce. If you’re thinking about getting married again, you need to look into these theories and ask yourself how they apply to you.
It may sound silly to say that you may not know if you really want to get married again. You either want to or you don’t, right? But the truth is that you may want certain aspects of life that you think only marriage can bring. In this regard, marriage may become a means to an end. That’s why it’s so important to ask yourself lots of tough questions and be completely honest with yourself about your answers.
Here are 5 questions you need to ask yourself when deciding if you should remarry:
1. “What are my real motives?
This is a big question. And, if you’re completely honest, you may surprise yourself with your answer. If you’ve been married for a long time, you may be terrified of being single. You may feel lonely or out of place. You may have buried your personal identity in your marriage and no longer really know who you are.
If you have young children, you may feel overwhelmed raising them without a second income or family help. You may be driven by strong sexual attraction or pressured to please “caring” family and friends. If your answer is not deep love and a desire to support each other on this path called life, then you may not be ready.
2. “Am I grieving the loss of a former marriage or relationship?
If your ex-spouse has died, then you will feel sadness from the inside out. You may have expected it and struggled with it and may still be experiencing it. If you lost your marriage through divorce, grief may not be the outcome you expected. However, losing a relationship can change your life and may even ruin it. If you didn’t anticipate it, you may have lost your balance and self-confidence.
It is imperative that you allow yourself enough time and awareness to get through the stages of grief without letting your life get mixed up with another marriage. Work on the emotional side of things before you consider getting married again. If you have children, realize that they will be going through their own grief and will need help to get through it.
3. “Am I really over my ex?
Do you still blame your ex for your breakup? Do you still bring up your ex in conversation about why your life isn’t perfect? Do you still have feelings for your ex, whether it’s longing, jealousy or anger? This is no way to get into a new relationship, let alone a marriage. You don’t need an emotional threesome. Your new partner should be someone who is free of the past.
This means doing your job, taking responsibility for the role you played in your previous marriage, and learning from your mistakes. If you have unfinished business, then you are not ready to remarry.
4. “Am I emotionally ready?
Your answers to the above questions will reflect whether or not you are emotionally ready. Some of it will be reflected in the mirror, so to speak. Do you like yourself? Did you come out of your last marriage with your self-esteem intact? Or have you at least made an effort to regain your self-confidence?
Have you made an effort to learn conflict resolution skills so that your next relationship will have a better chance of success? Have you learned lessons and made necessary adjustments to yourself since your previous marriage ended? Have you taken the time to receive counseling or coaching to address past issues that may resurface in your new relationship? Were you able to see and love your new partner as a unique individual rather than comparing them to your former spouse?
5. “Am I giving myself enough time to really get to know this person?
Are you capable of being alone and happy with your life? If you’re making the decision to remarry while you’re still drowning in a cocktail of romantic hormones, you’re probably rushing things. It takes the better part of a year to really get to know someone without rose-colored glasses.
If you’re still thinking, “Wow! This person is the one I should be with all the time. They’re perfect!” Then you may still be under the influence of desire and attraction. It’s important that two people considering marriage know what it’s like to endure conflict and crisis together.
Are your goals, values, beliefs and morals aligned? Are your conflict resolution skills aligned? Do you work well together to solve problems? While time is no guarantee that two people will end up together or should end up together, time is certainly a necessity if they hope to end up together.
If the idea of taking things slowly makes you uncomfortable, then you may be more interested in the idea of marriage than the marriage itself. Whether you are divorced or widowed, coming out of a committed relationship can be disorienting and discouraging.
All the plans you had for your life disappear in the blink of an eye. But rushing into remarriage won’t put things back in order. It may only make things worse.
If you think remarriage is what you want, then trust yourself first and get comfortable with “just you.”
Work on getting out of past relationships and learn from them. Then you can develop a strong and vibrant relationship with someone who is also ready to meet someone like you. This is the key to developing a loyal, long-term remarriage relationship that will stand the test of time.