I remember that before I went to study in the United States, my impression of the American way of dating was still in the popular American TV series “Gossip Girl”. In addition to the rumors I usually heard about Westerners’ view of love, I always feel that compared with Chinese people, Westerners have a more open, casual, and “unreliable” view of love.
During my high school exchange in the United States, I met a couple of lawyers from Boston on a plane to Hawaii. During the long flight time, I chatted with this couple all over the world. When I asked them for their advice on the upcoming college life, they unexpectedly suggested that I have a good experience with “different” people in college. Fall in love, and accumulate more life experience to find a path that suits you.
The male lawyer even shared without hesitation how he had dated several women of different ethnicities before meeting his current wife, which “surprised me” at the time. After studying in the United States for many years, I have become more and more aware that Americans have many similarities and differences with the Chinese in terms of love, mate selection, and marriage.
- “American Style VS Chinese Style” Puppy Love”
Most Americans start dating in their teens and high school years, which is considered normal and casual in American society.
On the one hand, teenagers can accumulate experience and gain emotional maturity through continuous love. Even if the relationship is difficult to last when they are young, American teenagers can grow rapidly in their relationship after experiencing setbacks such as broken love and breakup. On the other hand, they can learn early what kind of love type they are suitable for, and form their view of love, so that they are not easy to be overly interfered with by their parents in terms of emotions.
In China, “puppy love” is a unique concept. Most parents regard puppy love as a “scourge”, and they will “kill it” as soon as there is a sign, for fear of affecting their children’s grades and future.
When I was in high school in the United States, my Homestay family had a son and a daughter. The son was in the 8th grade and the daughter was in the 10th grade. The two children have boyfriends and girlfriends respectively. Normally, the Homestay mother will not only pick them up to go on dates but also often invite the boys and girls to play at home. This strikes me again!
I talked with Homestay’s mother about this issue. My mother said that it is normal for children to have boyfriends and girlfriends, but the concept of “puppy love” confuses her. In contrast, the attitude of American parents towards their children’s “puppy love”, and the fact that children can get along with their “lover” in a fair manner, is in stark contrast to the concept of Chinese people.
The period of “puppy love” happens to be when children are in adolescence, and they are in the period when they are curious about the opposite sex. If parents can’t handle it properly, they will suppress their children’s nature “as if they are facing an enemy”, which will arouse rebellion Psychologically, it is difficult to achieve satisfactory results.
- American Dating Culture
In the United States, dating usually means that men and women go to a movie, have a cup of coffee, and have a meal together. It is a good opportunity to enhance mutual understanding and seek joy. Unlike the one-on-one dating culture in China, American men and women at this stage are not necessarily dating only one opposite sex. They may be dating several opposite sexes at the same time and choose the person who is more suitable for them.
In the American TV series “Gossip Girl”, when the heroine Serena started dating an artist she liked, she was disappointed to find that the other party was seeing many girls besides her, but after the artist explained to her his views on the dating culture, Serena expressed understanding and acceptance and continued to date the artist until they mutually agreed to a one-on-one relationship.
In China, there have always been “unwritten” one-on-one rules in the dating stage, otherwise, people will be regarded as “scumbags”, “bad character”, “playful”, “unreliable” and so on.
Not only that, the “purpose” of dating in Chinese culture is often stronger. For example, the purpose of most men and women dating from the first day is whether they can fall in love, and the purpose of dating is to get married. It’s hooliganism.” Therefore, the “one-on-one” that Chinese men and women maintain during the dating stage, to some extent emphasizes the purpose of marriage.
Before Americans become formal boyfriends and girlfriends, the dating stage can be long or short. They may “evolve” into boyfriend and girlfriend, may maintain the status quo, or may “regress”. It is not like the Chinese who will be very clear about themselves What stage is the relationship with the other party? People in different cultures have different understandings of dating customs between men and women, and there is no distinction between good and bad, right or wrong. The important thing is to find a way that you can agree with and accept.
- Views on mate selection: Chinese and foreign unanimously prefer the “reliable” type
When choosing a partner, Americans are generally more inclined to make their own decisions, while Chinese are more likely to be influenced by their parents.
Since most Americans start to accumulate emotional experience very early and have more trial and error opportunities, Americans of the same age are usually more mature in emotional aspects than Chinese people, and they know what they want and what is suitable for them. of. Although the parents’ opinions on the other half are also important, they are not decisive. It is more up to both men and women to decide whether they like each other.
In contrast, Chinese culture does not encourage children to start accumulating love experiences when they are young. As a result, many Chinese young people lack the love to experience when they grow up or even work. “.
In the process of choosing a spouse in China, social values and parental opinions account for a larger proportion of “interfering factors” than in the United States. Many male and female students around the author who have studied in the United States for many years often break up because of “parents’ disagreement” and “family conditions are not suitable”, etc. The concepts of houses and cars are also more likely to be forced into a romantic relationships in Asian countries than in the United States.
Interestingly, for girls with relatively mature views on relationships and rich love experiences, the concept of mate selection in different cultures is very similar: women prefer reliable and good types of men, and they think they are more responsible, loyal, and loyal. I want to spend my life with this kind of person.
It can be seen from this that it is said that Westerners are more casual, unreliable, and inaccurate in their relationship, and those who are serious and responsible for their relationship will be more favored by women wherever they go.
- The influence of age on Chinese and Western women
As the level of education of girls is getting higher and higher, the years of schooling are getting longer and longer, which has an impact on the age of dating and marriage. The growth of age has a certain impact not only on Chinese women but also on the psychology and physiology of Western girls.
For Chinese girls, after the age of 25, parents often start to feel anxious and actively plan to find a match for their children. Although many international students and returnees accept “Westernization” abroad, they still “cannot escape” this fate.
Xiao H, who is still studying in the United States, often quarrels with her mother across the Pacific Ocean because of finding a boyfriend. Her mother thinks that she is already 20 years old and does not have a boyfriend. She is not in a hurry and does not do “business”, so she is urged to go to the next door every day. A well-known polytechnic university “exercises” and wants her to “meet” a boyfriend. C, a returnee girl, complained that she thought she would be able to enjoy a wonderful life after graduating from graduate school and returning to work, but her family was “overwhelmed” and always urged her to find a boyfriend for a blind date, as if she would turn 40 soon if she didn’t look for it. Later, she even I am so upset that I plan to move out by myself.
The above figure is from the U.S. Census Bureau statistics about the age of first marriage of American men and women from 1947 to 2013. It can be seen that the age of first marriage has soared from the lowest age in the 1950s and 1960s. After 2010, men’s first marriages were between 28 and 30 years old, while American women’s first marriages were between 26 and 28 years old.
In the pluralistic society of the United States, there are single people, traditional families where the male is the main outsider and the female is the main inside, there are extended families formed by “two marriages and three marriages”, interracial families, and same-sex families. Uniform social standards “oppress” you, forcing you to marry before a certain age, and urging you to regard marriage and having children as your “life goal”. As they grow older, unmarried American girls will still be affected. However, compared with Chinese girls who suffer from strong external pressure from parents, relatives, and society due to their age, American girls face different pressures.
External pressure often comes from the lifestyle: when friends and relatives around you slowly enter the next stage of life, you can’t help but start to think about whether your current lifestyle needs to be changed; although giving birth to the next generation is no longer something every woman must do, but a choice. However, as they grow older, many American women still suffer from internal physiological pressure, which leads to anxiety. It can be seen that age does not only affect Chinese women.
- Enlightenment from the comparison between China and the United States
Most of the international students grew up in China and went to the United States to receive Western education. Whether they stick to the “Chinese style” or absorb the “Western-style”, they often form their unique views on love.
The advantage of overseas students is that in the tolerant and free environment of the United States, they are more accustomed to critical thinking, and establish their view of love by knowing what they want, instead of copying their parents’ model or being overly influenced by them. Impact.
However, the influence of traditional culture and the pressure from society, parents, and relatives still cannot be underestimated for international students who grew up in a collective culture, which often leads to many conflicts. No matter who you are, no matter where you are, people will inevitably not be affected by the surrounding environment and people. Decisions made based on different values often have nothing to do with right or wrong.
More importantly, how do you feel about these outside influences? Do you identify with the values behind these influences? What are your inner feelings and judgments? Sometimes, the most important thing in the choices and decisions you make is not to be responsible to others, to give others an explanation, but to fulfill yourself and be honest with yourself.